who benefits?

i just can't seem to let this go, although i've already chosen my course of action. it appears as though many people go through this: when you feel like you've done as much as you can for someone, whether it be a friend, relative, or lover, and then they can't seem to do the same for you. in my specific case, it's a friend. it's like, despite all the times she's not been a great friend to me or even been there when i needed her, and despite the fact that sometimes i just never wanna talk to her again because i'm so sick of it, i know that no matter what happens i'm always going to care about her and still love her because i've been her friend for so long and know that i would be there in a millisecond if she needed me. i suppose it's a curse in this case for those of us who just seem to care too much. it's times like these i wish that i could just not care. but then at other times, like when you're helping complete strangers and changing their lives (or at least trying to) and they just give you such a genuine smile, is when it's actually worth it. i suppose we just have to face it: people will take advantage of our good natures whether we foresee it or not, and because of that nature we don't retaliate or do anything about it, just ponder it carefully and perhaps share it with some very close, trusted friends. but then again, it is instances like these that leave us to clearly define who our true friends are that we can count upon in any situation. it's a mystery how these circumstances work, no? but we can only hope that one day it will all be worth it. for now, we just have to keep continuing letting our better nature and heavy sensitivity to others run our lives, because the only other choice would be to completely ignore it and ultimately destroy ourselves by ignoring that part of our minds and souls.

craziness.

i've decided to change up the blog (and keep it somewhat anonymous)... so here's my first post. so, it's ridiculous how in less than one week my perspective on life and just life in general has changed so drastically. and yet, i feel somewhat tentative, about getting hurt, about what awaits me in territory i've never explored yet before, about everyone's reactions (especially my parents', 'cause they're quite strict and think i shouldn't get a boyfriend 'til college), about how it will change things... part of me wants to hold back as long as possible for fear of falling flat on my face, and yet the other part of me wants to delve in head-first and never look back. so many conflicting emotions occurring all at once! in the words of hermione granger, "not all of us have emotional range of a teaspoon." i've never held myself to be one to fall head-over-heels, and yet, here it is now, happening before my very eyes. i've always had opinions when i've seen it happen to other people, but now that it's happening to me, it's a whole different scenario, uncharted territory, sailing blindly in unpredictable waters. i could write a myriad of songs over this (and there already have been that many written), if only i had the time aside from what i really need to do. i've always been on the borderline of optimism and realism, i suppose describing myself as a realistic optimist. this is really just a spiel of a collection of thoughts i've been harboring for quite a number of days now and yet haven't had the time to really say, or perhaps even been too sheepish to say. honestly, sometimes when i think about it, it frightens me because i have no idea what could possibly happen. but then other times i think about it, and i'm ready to go straight into it and live it to its fullest. time will only reveal things up to now, and at this point, i'm leaving the rest up to the Big Guy up there <33.

general info: 17-year-old girl with a mission to change the world through music. purpose of this blog, you ask? i decided that i needed a space to express myself without fear of judgment and just post whenever i feel the need to. i do have a real handwritten journal, but i decided it was time to upgrade to this. only my closest confidantes will know of the existence of this blog and my identity, haha. because maybe if i put it all in writing, it'll make a little more sense. life is beautiful, no matter what though. i hope you enjoy reading my journey as much as i do writing it. <33